Say that your mother was harsh on you when you were a small child. That made you angry. To be angry with your mother might not be safe, maybe your mother couldn’t handle and help you with your anger, so you learned how to channel your anger into something “acceptable” that would keep the bond with your mother intact – your means of survival. To solve this tricky situation, the child identifies with the mother in one of three ways: “I treat myself as my mother treats me”, “I treat others like my mother does”, or “I’m fearful that others will treat me as my mother does”. A child cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality, so your mother’s criticism is simply true. Onwards, there is no distinction between “I did something bad” and “I am bad”. To get some of your mother’s love, you have to be “not bad” as in perhaps act perfectly, having high standards that you punish yourself for not living up to. Also, whenever angry feelings stir up in you, one of the three identifications gets activated instead, for example: your boss fires you in an unjustifiably way, which makes you angry, but all you experience is “I’m useless, I can’t even keep a job”.