Mitt liv som limpa  

Jag är som en misslyckad surdeg. Jäser men det blir aldrig något jävla bröd. Bara fast i någon slags illusion av den aptitliga limpa jag skulle kunna vara om bara rätt omständigheter infann sig. 

Jag vet ju att rätt omständigheter är bullshit. Det finns bara det här. Det är här den här degen är satt. Inte på en väloljad köksbänk i ek i ett lantligt kök med en hummande person som knådar mig glatt. 

Jag känner mig nedkastad på ett betonggolv där jag letar smulor och gryn av hopp och näring. Ingenting tycks nog. Det blir inget bröd. Jag kan väl lika gärna bara ges till hönsen på en gång. Låta mig bli lika sönderpickad utanpå som inuti. Kalla ögon som stirrar mellan pickandet. 

Låt mig bara få hamna i den jävla ugnen nån gång eller låt mig få förtvina; ruttna bort och bli näring till något som kan bli nåt. Sluta med dessa små ljusglimtar. Jag orkar fan inte resa mig igen. 

Och ändå växer jag hela tiden. Ett med min omgivning. Ett givande och tagande, i en balans jag inte riktigt förstår men ändå erfar varje dag. Vare sig jag vill eller inte. En ny dag gryr. Allt är detsamma, allt är nytt. Det blev ett bröd ändå. 

Stuck?

The feeling of being stuck is quite difficult for me. I often want to feel like I’m moving in some direction, doing something – and yes, ultimately achieving something.

Lately life has been kind of funny in that regard. I have had major changes in my life (traveling, fell in love, got a new job, moved out on the countryside, got pregnant, gave birth, almost died, got married and then got forced from my home and homeland because of bureaucracy…) – many of the big things people long for here in this life – and yet the feeling of being stuck is ever so present.

The rational part of me doesn’t find that very strange though. Stress, dysregulation, insecurity, anxiety, anger, sorrow, fear, sadness – all “difficult” feelings – tend to make us not wanting to stay in whatever is. Of course I don’t want to stay in that shit. No one “wants” to. We like pleasure and easy breezy stuff, when things go our way; when we think we can have some sort of control or overview of how our life is going. But we simply can’t and never will have such control or overview.

Our lives truly are mysteries unfolding. In the midst of it, let’s marvel at the beauty and wonder of it all. But also – it’s totally ok not to like it. It’s totally fine to think that it sucks. Feeling stuck sucks. Exhale. This too is life. This too is a life lived. Ultimately there is nowhere to go but now here.

Life has no agenda

One of my favorite sayings is the above stated “life has no agenda” or in Swedish, as is closer to some sort of truth that tickles me: “livet vill dig inget särskilt”. Another translation could be “life has nothing particular in store for you”.

This saying first came to me during my psychologist training. I had a very wise teacher in psychodynamics who, as I remember it, suddenly woke up from her teaching monologue and looked at us students and with some sort of glittering wonder in her eyes told us this. Life has no agenda. Life doesn’t care if you feel good or bad. Life just is. Life is not personal. Things that happen in your life are just things that happen in your life. There is no additional layer.

The additional layer, our interpretations of life and how we make sense of our lives, are what have some sort of agenda. The agenda looks like, for most people I would assume (therefore taking the risk of “making an ass out of u and me”): “what’s in it for me?”. How can life make me feel good? How can there be ease, joy and happiness? How can live give me something? How can I be someone, someone special? What will make me?

These questions are perfectly fine, normal and common. However, they create a prison out of self-centerdness. In our consumeristic times we want live to provide something, but this something further builds our prison walls.

What if life doesn’t have anything particular in store for you? What if whatever happens in your life is not something that has anything to do with you? All the wrongs and misfortunes you’ve experienced, as well as all the happy moments? What if all the experiences are just a natural part of a stream – always moving, never the same but somehow made out of the same stuff and always interconnected?

But I don’t like this place

I guess you know what I mean – you have this icky feeling that something in your life is not quite like you would like it. May it be your relationships, they way you are, your practice, your looks… and the list goes on. We humans are funny with our great ability to think, to problemsolve, but we are also masters of illusions (or should I say delusions…). “If only this was like that”, “if only I was like this”, “if only he would be that way”. Well guess what? Things are as they are! We really don’t have that much power as we think. Not to say we are completely powerless, but many of our fantasies will stay just that. Even when things do go by our way I can assure you it was not in the way you imagined.

So what are we going to do? Suck it up? Forget about our fantasies? Never strive for anything? No, I believe the answer lies within being honest with yourself – what are you really experiencing? Are you fleeing from something? What happens if you open up to what is right here and now? We don’t like unpleasantries so no wonder we don’t want to stick around and experience whatever that makes us feel icky.

And just to make it clear, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. There is nothing wrong with liking some things and disliking others. There is nothing wrong with having opinions. But when we are completely governed out of our awareness by these things we are imprisoned and we are very likely suffocating the life juice out of ourselves and others. (but yeah, nothing wrong with being imprisoned either!!)

So let there be some space. If you wish. Know that there is nowhere to go really. You are where you are, in this moment.

Space for Reflections

As I’ve mentioned previously, this page will act as my hub for my creative projects. For a long time this blog has just been sitting here – patiently waiting for me to use it. Things are starting to move inside of me, this longing of putting my work more out there. Also, some of my music just got accessible for the masses due to Jonatan, who has been a major piece in getting things possible and done. So! Here it goes! Here are two links to my music project ”Space for Reflections”. You can find the music on Spotify and iTunes. The artwork is also made by me.

Reflections from walking the Florida trail

Wrote this in February I think, but never published it. Here it goes! All though a little further down the timeline, the topic is as prominent in my life now as it was then. 🙂

For the last 2 months I’ve been spending my time walking 600 miles of the Florida trail. There are so many impressions to write about, I don’t quite know where to start. Well, to begin with, I can say it didn’t turn out as I expected it would. You know when prior to a trip you can get lost in daydreams about what it’s going to be like? Those daydreams did not come true. Reality was in many ways far better. In some ways harder than imagined. Overall I am very happy that I got out here and did it.

I’ve done some trips on my own now. One thing that always strikes me, which I would think I got passed by now, is the notion that I think I’m going to end up as this transformed being during and after the trip. The stuff that’s bothering me at home will miraculously be worked out never to bother me again. That is so very not true as I’ve experienced on multiple occasions by now. The same shit that I’m struggling with at home follows me everywhere. And really, the things I’m struggling with is nothing unique. It’s the same hardships as many of you out there face. Fear of being alone and abandoned. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being independent enough. Fear of needing help and people. Anger and frustration regarding people and why I can’t seem to shake it. Insecurity. Indecisiveness. Anxiety. Being overwhelmed. These things follow me wherever I go. Even though I’m not particularly fond of them most of the time they are my greatest teachers. Practice opportunities. Ques to tell me where to look deeper. When I’m not willing to be with life as it is. 

In our western culture there is a great divide between “positive and negative” emotions; some we like and some we dislike. The ones that are supposed to be there and those which shouldn’t be there at all. The wanted and the unwished for. This dichotomy is the greatest illusion of my life. The delusion which keeps me separated from life and love, and makes me judgemental of people and myself.
Someone does something that makes me angry: boom! Bad feeling, nasty person, guilt ridden me etcetera etcetera, keeping the circle of suffering going. And don’t get me wrong here, suffering is not bad and neither are feelings. They are just part of the current which keeps the river called life flowing.

Back to walking – when walking and being out there with your backpack filled with all that you need, things are stripped down. No schedule to keep in the everyday life kind of way, no meetings to attend to and so on. It’s just you walking. Your feet start to hurt, you are hungry, it’s too hot, it’s too cold… These simple, inevitable parts of life comes knocking on your door. How are you going to greet them? Shut the door in their face pretending they’re not there? Letting them in and let them take over your house? Are you happy to see them or eager to see them go? What does that bring up in you?

Walking for a long time is a blessing. An opportunity to watch yourself in n action. It may sound ridiculous, I mean, you can watch yourself all the time, but I know I don’t. I’m mindless, forgetful, daydreaming away my time a lot in my ordinary everyday life. I’m often on autopilot. Things need to get done. Out in the woods I get help from my surroundings noticing how I greet things that I encounter and how I choose to move on from that point. How I treat myself and how I treat others.

Now I know more of what I already knew and I will keep asking myself the same question as always: are you willing to meet life as it is?

You are like a spring flower

You are like a spring flower, opening up to the sun
At first, the bright light hurts your eyes
But you will get used to its’ presence

You grow where others are yet to grow
In that sense, you are a pioneer
Still, you are unsure whether the cold will hurt you or not

You can never get entirely closed up again
Darkness will come and cloud your vision
But the next time you will remember:
The sun will rise again
It will always rise again

And you know what else goes for a spring flower?
Everybody longs for you to blossom
To show your beauty and bring hope to the world