Life has no agenda

One of my favorite sayings is the above stated “life has no agenda” or in Swedish, as is closer to some sort of truth that tickles me: “livet vill dig inget särskilt”. Another translation could be “life has nothing particular in store for you”.

This saying first came to me during my psychologist training. I had a very wise teacher in psychodynamics who, as I remember it, suddenly woke up from her teaching monologue and looked at us students and with some sort of glittering wonder in her eyes told us this. Life has no agenda. Life doesn’t care if you feel good or bad. Life just is. Life is not personal. Things that happen in your life are just things that happen in your life. There is no additional layer.

The additional layer, our interpretations of life and how we make sense of our lives, are what have some sort of agenda. The agenda looks like, for most people I would assume (therefore taking the risk of “making an ass out of u and me”): “what’s in it for me?”. How can life make me feel good? How can there be ease, joy and happiness? How can live give me something? How can I be someone, someone special? What will make me?

These questions are perfectly fine, normal and common. However, they create a prison out of self-centerdness. In our consumeristic times we want live to provide something, but this something further builds our prison walls.

What if life doesn’t have anything particular in store for you? What if whatever happens in your life is not something that has anything to do with you? All the wrongs and misfortunes you’ve experienced, as well as all the happy moments? What if all the experiences are just a natural part of a stream – always moving, never the same but somehow made out of the same stuff and always interconnected?

But I don’t like this place

I guess you know what I mean – you have this icky feeling that something in your life is not quite like you would like it. May it be your relationships, they way you are, your practice, your looks… and the list goes on. We humans are funny with our great ability to think, to problemsolve, but we are also masters of illusions (or should I say delusions…). “If only this was like that”, “if only I was like this”, “if only he would be that way”. Well guess what? Things are as they are! We really don’t have that much power as we think. Not to say we are completely powerless, but many of our fantasies will stay just that. Even when things do go by our way I can assure you it was not in the way you imagined.

So what are we going to do? Suck it up? Forget about our fantasies? Never strive for anything? No, I believe the answer lies within being honest with yourself – what are you really experiencing? Are you fleeing from something? What happens if you open up to what is right here and now? We don’t like unpleasantries so no wonder we don’t want to stick around and experience whatever that makes us feel icky.

And just to make it clear, there is nothing wrong with fantasizing. There is nothing wrong with liking some things and disliking others. There is nothing wrong with having opinions. But when we are completely governed out of our awareness by these things we are imprisoned and we are very likely suffocating the life juice out of ourselves and others. (but yeah, nothing wrong with being imprisoned either!!)

So let there be some space. If you wish. Know that there is nowhere to go really. You are where you are, in this moment.

Space for Reflections

As I’ve mentioned previously, this page will act as my hub for my creative projects. For a long time this blog has just been sitting here – patiently waiting for me to use it. Things are starting to move inside of me, this longing of putting my work more out there. Also, some of my music just got accessible for the masses due to Jonatan, who has been a major piece in getting things possible and done. So! Here it goes! Here are two links to my music project ”Space for Reflections”. You can find the music on Spotify and iTunes. The artwork is also made by me.

Reflections from walking the Florida trail

Wrote this in February I think, but never published it. Here it goes! All though a little further down the timeline, the topic is as prominent in my life now as it was then. 🙂

For the last 2 months I’ve been spending my time walking 600 miles of the Florida trail. There are so many impressions to write about, I don’t quite know where to start. Well, to begin with, I can say it didn’t turn out as I expected it would. You know when prior to a trip you can get lost in daydreams about what it’s going to be like? Those daydreams did not come true. Reality was in many ways far better. In some ways harder than imagined. Overall I am very happy that I got out here and did it.

I’ve done some trips on my own now. One thing that always strikes me, which I would think I got passed by now, is the notion that I think I’m going to end up as this transformed being during and after the trip. The stuff that’s bothering me at home will miraculously be worked out never to bother me again. That is so very not true as I’ve experienced on multiple occasions by now. The same shit that I’m struggling with at home follows me everywhere. And really, the things I’m struggling with is nothing unique. It’s the same hardships as many of you out there face. Fear of being alone and abandoned. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not being independent enough. Fear of needing help and people. Anger and frustration regarding people and why I can’t seem to shake it. Insecurity. Indecisiveness. Anxiety. Being overwhelmed. These things follow me wherever I go. Even though I’m not particularly fond of them most of the time they are my greatest teachers. Practice opportunities. Ques to tell me where to look deeper. When I’m not willing to be with life as it is. 

In our western culture there is a great divide between “positive and negative” emotions; some we like and some we dislike. The ones that are supposed to be there and those which shouldn’t be there at all. The wanted and the unwished for. This dichotomy is the greatest illusion of my life. The delusion which keeps me separated from life and love, and makes me judgemental of people and myself.
Someone does something that makes me angry: boom! Bad feeling, nasty person, guilt ridden me etcetera etcetera, keeping the circle of suffering going. And don’t get me wrong here, suffering is not bad and neither are feelings. They are just part of the current which keeps the river called life flowing.

Back to walking – when walking and being out there with your backpack filled with all that you need, things are stripped down. No schedule to keep in the everyday life kind of way, no meetings to attend to and so on. It’s just you walking. Your feet start to hurt, you are hungry, it’s too hot, it’s too cold… These simple, inevitable parts of life comes knocking on your door. How are you going to greet them? Shut the door in their face pretending they’re not there? Letting them in and let them take over your house? Are you happy to see them or eager to see them go? What does that bring up in you?

Walking for a long time is a blessing. An opportunity to watch yourself in n action. It may sound ridiculous, I mean, you can watch yourself all the time, but I know I don’t. I’m mindless, forgetful, daydreaming away my time a lot in my ordinary everyday life. I’m often on autopilot. Things need to get done. Out in the woods I get help from my surroundings noticing how I greet things that I encounter and how I choose to move on from that point. How I treat myself and how I treat others.

Now I know more of what I already knew and I will keep asking myself the same question as always: are you willing to meet life as it is?

You are like a spring flower

You are like a spring flower, opening up to the sun
At first, the bright light hurts your eyes
But you will get used to its’ presence

You grow where others are yet to grow
In that sense, you are a pioneer
Still, you are unsure whether the cold will hurt you or not

You can never get entirely closed up again
Darkness will come and cloud your vision
But the next time you will remember:
The sun will rise again
It will always rise again

And you know what else goes for a spring flower?
Everybody longs for you to blossom
To show your beauty and bring hope to the world

Over the edge

Jag tycker det är lustigt det här med perspektiv, ångest och lidande. Jag har varit i en period av mycket lidande de senaste veckorna, haft mycket ångest över vad som varit (om det ens har varit!) och vad som ska hända härnäst i mitt liv. Allting har kretsat kring mig och mitt, i min egna, självcentrerade dröm. Det fanns inte plats för något annat. Ingen luft, inga perspektiv. Bara en massa tankar, känslor och projektioner om vad jag trodde var och är. Jag var så upptagen att jag inte hann uppleva att det jag upplevde var hur jag hade färgat verkligheten.

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Sedan kom jag, liksom många gånger förut, till en punkt då min självcentration (är det ens ett ord på svenska?) blir komisk. Allting upp till den här punkten är så sjukt allvarligt att jag känner att det är på liv och död. Jag vet inte om jag egentligen har en stark dödslängtan eller något, men det är något i mig som får mig att tänka ”om det nu är så himla allvarligt så får jag väl dö på kuppen då – FUCK IT!”. Då är det som att alla tankar som oroat mig smälter bort. Jag fylls av någon slags känsla av under, att livet är konstigt, magiskt och fascinerande. Hur gör egentligen livet alla dessa vändningar? Jag skrattar och känner energin komma tillbaka. Allt är väl och allt är precis som det ska vara.

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Jag lever förvissad om att jag har många sådana här åkturer med mig i mitt bagage och att många turer återstår. Må jag bli allt mer vis och varse om att stormen är en del av vad som gör lugnet lugnt. Må jag ha tillförsikt. Må jag lita på processen.

Min verklighet?

Bara jag kan veta vad som är min verklighet. Den kan vara mångfacetterad eller bara inbegripa en facett, men den är bara min. Galen, verklig, sann, möjlig och omöjlig.

Det är så lätt att svepas iväg av vad andra tror är min verklighet. De kommenterar, tror att de förstår. Tror att de vet. Ingen kan någonsin förstå min verklighet och jag kan aldrig förstå någon annans. Vi är fullständigt och enväldigt ensamma. Ibland har vi turen att hålla i någon som får det att kännas som om vi inte är ensamma. Samtidigt som det är en tröst för det mig djupare in i en illusion. I en illusion av mening, kontakt, förening, förståelse. Det låter så fruktansvärt bittert, men det är ju sanningen. Så länge jag vet att illusionen är en lek, är det en fin och rolig lek. När jag tror att leken är på allvar börjar den göra ont. För jag kan förlora. Både i leken och leken i sig.

Men kan man förlora en lek? Vad är egentligen min verklighet, min lek?